Sunday, December 27, 2009

Time limits

I have been coaching a friend of mine (who will remain nameless--because I would hate to throw her under the bus! ;) ) with getting her 5 month old to get her sleeping patterns back in order. Her baby is a great baby and was sleeping through the night at a very early age, but just recently starting waking up a few times during the night as well as fighting some of her naps. My friend, (we will call her Milly) had gotten in the habit of putting her in the swing for some of her naps and then realized that she wouldn't go down well if she wasn't in the swing. So, we talked through letting her sleep in all different areas (because you also don't want her to HAVE to be in her bed) but setting up rules that she feels like she can live with. So, we agreed that 10 minutes would be fair...lay the baby down when you know that she is full and dry and then let her fuss for 10 minutes. If you need to go in after that, soothe her however you need to--and once she is calm (not asleep--calm) lay her back down and push the time a little longer--not a minute--something like 15 minutes the next time.

Well, a few days later when I talked to Milly, her daughter was doing great! But, a few days after that, she had a few bad days and Milly really struggled with setting up good solid timelines. She was letting her cry for 3 minutes and then going in a soothing her...then 4 minutes...
She SAYS that it was because the baby needed her pacifier, and she would go in a put it back for her.
*This is my solution to the pacifier issue: Put a bunch of them in the bed with the baby and then set the same timelines--let the baby find the pacifiers as they need them. The whole point of the crying out is to teach the baby to self soothe...so going in every few minutes gets in the way of that...
Milly is a great mom---GREAT mom! Honestly, we don't even realize sometimes when we are getting in the way of our children being able to do something for themselves. Even infants are capable of self soothing.

All that to say: Set up rules that you know you can stand by--but also will push your baby to self soothe. Raise the bar on yourself as well.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Peter's mom question

So, Peter is 2 yrs and 4 months... a casual, laid back little boy. Pretty good communicator, likes company, likes to be active, likes rules for the most part, a child that prefers a boundary than not... usually. The last week or so that has changed a little. I now am dealing with a "scream" when he either doesn't want to do something I ask, or if I "guide/refocus" when he isn't listening to me, or even if I help him when he didn't ask for it and therefore doesn't want my involvement. Now, sometimes this is a defiant grunt pseudo under his breath, but not. Sometimes it is a quick blast of "aagh", and sometimes it is a "aagh, aagh, aggh" with wriggling, grabbing, kicking. The level of response is not linked to what happened prior, there is no pattern. Usually a time out is all he needs. He doesn't like to be separated and a time out hurts his feelings. With the growing use of time out lately, they are not hurting his feelings as much. In the past I have had maybe 1-2 days that I can think of where I have used time outs more than 3 times in a day... this past Friday, we had 7 time outs, and 3 sets of toys taken away for the day. Still the scream came. When correcting, I always say " you do not scream at Mummy and Daddy, you do not scream at anyone" and then 75% of the time I say "when you don't want something, say I DONT WANT TO MUMMY, if you dont want my help, say PLEASE DONT HELP ME MUMMY" and so on. Today when I dropped him off at his pre-school (Tue and Thu 9-1) I watched through the closed door to see his day start. The teacher guided him to sit, and I could see he was still getting used to the room and he wasnt ready, she didnt notice, she forced the sit a little, he was almost seated and then he popped up and did a grunt at her and had the face. I was horrified and ran out of the building :) prior, when I dropped him off they said how wonderful he is and "so good" (he has been there one week) and usually he is, but I did say to them that we have this recent behaviour so when it happened today at least they were semi-warned! Now that it is happening not just with me - here is my question... if time out isn't "working" and toys taken away doesn't really affect his right/wrong notion, what do I do at this age? Also, after listening to Dr Laura in the car on the way home and hearing her barrage someone for putting a 3 yr old in day care, I am wondering if the T/Th thing is too much. Last year he was in a PDO for 1 day a week. Do you think I should scale back? Could it be an acting out because he isnt ready for so much? Any wise words, wise one? :) I want to get it right, I want to respect his "no" when appropriate as I explain to him above, I want our vibe back :)

I love the sassy bag and frankly if he was older it would have been enforced :)

---This was my response to her:
Easton also does not like time out--SO--if I have to put him in a "normal" time out--which consists of just sitting where ever whenever--more than once or twice--he has to do the time out in his room on his bed...he HATES this and seems to change the behavior--whatever it is--but not usually until after he really lets me know how much he hates the bed time out...I just usually preface it (above his wailing) with --"we do not scream--we use our words"

SO--I don't know how you use time out--but that is one suggestion--take it to a new level...

Another thing would be to give him a sign or even make a sign--like a picture of a stop sign...talk to him when he is really frustrated about when he gets really mad that he can show you the stop sign in sign language--and that you will help him--you can act it out--you know pretend like you are Peter and you are really mad and you show you the sign and you give him your full attention--does that make sense? Alot of times it is just that they dont' feel like they are getting their point across and they can't get a whole sentence out when they are frustrated (I know when I am really frustrated...I have to keep my mouth shut! or something ugly might come out... :) )

The stop sign is something I told a friend to do with her son a few years ago and they loved it...he would get really mad and go get the stop sign...he would show it to her--it was not a real sign that could be used as a weapon--but was just on paper and laminated at Kinko's...but he would get it and slap it...she would give him her full attention and put the sign on the table--he would calm down immediately...

I prefer the hand sign because it is quiet and you have it with you all the time...

BUT--you are doing everything right with being consistent and giving him words to use instead of the screaming...which is exactly what I do--but you can't let time out stop working for you--it is the best thing in the world...! :)

Follow through

It has been such a long time since I have posted, but I just had to touch base to make a comment about consistency...I have been working with families of children that are really acting out that we were concerned about some deeper meanings behind their behaviors...but what came out most of the time was that there was never any consequences for the behaviors.
One child was running out into the street over and over again--a real safety issue and when I asked what the parents did when this happened, they said that they went to get her. I think they could see the shock on my face and replied that they did not want to spank her, just in case she didn't understand, because she is only 3. Listen--3 year olds can understand NOT SAFE! DANGER!! A 6 month old can understand your stressed voice say DANGER...it is all about tone and follow through. We set up some consequences and some "keep it from happenings" for this family and they just kept saying--do you really think she will understand? I finally said, "Are you willing to risk it if she does or doesn't? I mean, you could be talking about life and death here."
Another child, the behavior was just a real concern because he wasn't unable to play by himself and would throw a big fit if his mom encouraged it. So, we set up a schedule and a timer for "Tommy (that wasn't his name) time" and even if he threw a fit, play time was all on his own until the timer went off. We started with just three minutes because she said that sometimes he would play for a minute or two... and we said that the goal would be 15. She cried thinking about 15 minutes to be able to do the dishes in the mornings. I explained that just being consistent and expecting him to do it--not giving in when the fit got too big--would get it there.
I saw this with Easton a few weeks ago and my friends keep making fun of me because he was really giving me a hard time in the car on the way to Waco...hollering and fussing in the back seat. Jason was on call, so I was on my own taking both kids to my parents and I had gotten a later start than I had wanted to--so I set him up for failure. BUT--I still had to be consistent. He was being rude and I redirected him to make a better choice and handed him a toy. He continued to throw a fit and holler. I gave him a warning that he would have to sit in timeout (knowing that I was driving on Hwy 31 and where would I put him?) if he could not get it together...well--he called my bluff. He threw a book down and screamed no at me. I pulled the car over and walked back to him and restated the expectations and pulled him out of the car. (Yes, I wanted to spank him, but that was not the consequence that I had given him...)I walked over to the side of the road and sat him in the grass. He kept pointing to the cars flashing by and saying, "I'm going to get hit by a car", it was so funny--but not funny at the same time. As soon as he got it together, he stood up and apologized and we dried his eyes, gave sugars and had a wonderful remaining drive to Waco. The great thing is now when we are driving somewhere and he acts up--he KNOWS that there is a consequence of time out--he has experienced it. If Mommy says it...it will happen. That is follow through. Kids need that in their lives.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Sassy Bag

Elle has really been struggling with being sassy and disrespectful to Jason and I--and really all authority figures. I am sure that she thinks it is just little stuff, but it has really been progressing beyond what I can tolerate and I spent one whole evening trying to come up with something that would help this better than spanking or having to put her into timeout every few minutes... (because for a child that is not in trouble very often...this gets old really fast and frustrating to the parent REALLY fast) SO--this is what we came up with: I put a bar of soap in a little baggy, a thing of antibacterial gel, a box of wipes all in a big baggy...I labeled the baggy "Elle's Sassy Bag" and then wrote on the outside of the baggy Ephesians 4:29, and Mark 7:10...this way, when she is sassy, and is being dirty...she can clean her hands with the gel, wipe her face with the wipes, and clean out her mouth with soap--then read the scriptures and cleanse her soul...

She has been really great since we introduced The Sassy Bag...we have had it now for 5 days and we have done it once...I have given her one warning when I feel like she is getting sassy and she has always gotten it together...where before, I was having to warn her and then send her to timeout over and over again...SO...I am really excited about this and hopefully what it will do for our family and the stress level around here...

Monday, July 6, 2009

Scared

This summer we have spent a lot of time at the pool (those of you that have seen the kids and I can tell by the tans we have) and Easton has absolutely NO fear of anything...well, he didn't until the other day...he has been jumping off the diving board without any floaties or anything and swimming to me and then I bring him up for air and then he swims to the ladder. Well, Jason came with us to see how he was doing and Easton fell off the diving board (not because of Jason-really because some guy was trying to be nice and thought Easton was too little, but it made Easton move away from him and towards the side of the board--and he slipped off--landing about 4 feet down on the concrete on the side of his head). When this happened, he screamed and cried and didn't want to have anything to do with the board anymore...

This was my dilemna...I liked that he now had a little bit of thought before he ran to the end and tried to do a summersault--but I DON'T want him to be scared--so I asked him to go back with me...the thing that that scared me was what if he said no...was I going to make him do it? Right after he injured himself? Thankfully, it only took a little prompting and he went back and jumped to Jason and swam to the side...later, he asked to go back and was more cautious, but more himself...

Earlier in the week, he had been going down the slide over and over and a little girl decided she was too scared and started screaming and her mother came up and got her and allowed her to come down--so Easton said he wanted to come down...I told him no. I told him to slide down and he wouldn't have to slide anymore. He wouldn't, so I went up and sent him down the slide...some of the moms really looked at me, but again, I don't want him to be afraid and he had loved the slide--he was scared because the little girl was scared--after he did it that time, he did it another 50 times...

Anyone have any thoughts on this? I have had so many conversations with people this summer about their children being fearful of the water, and how they just want them to enjoy it right now--but being fearful has to be tied to confidence--not fun, right? I don't know, maybe I am being the devil's advocate here, I guess the water really scares me too--so I go to the extreme, and thankfully both of my kids are strong swimmers now...

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Time out in public

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking recently about how to work with time out in public...and I think that is why people think that time out doesn't work because they can't do it everywhere or it isn't convenient...so recently, I have been taking advantage of the changing tables in restrooms to give Easton his time outs...then we are behind a closed door, I can sit him down on it and keep a hand on him, but he is removed from all of the attention of everyone else...I don't talk to him or give him any other attention until he apologizes for what he has done...

**I have always just sat them down where we were in a store or a resturaurant...whatever, but I really have liked this recently...it takes away more of the attention from onlookers that smile at them or frown at them sympathetically (they have no idea why they feel sorry for them!)...

At times, Easton has been taken in there because he is screaming about something and I am embarrassed, but this works, too---because screaming in the restroom is better than all over the store...once they realize they can't get away with it...they quit...I think sometimes that carrying them screaming through the store to get to the car is more attention for them than anything...Unless they know they are missing out on something once they get to the car (it really depends on the age)...

The other day, Easton was acting like a real toot and I asked him if we needed to go to the restroom to talk...he said yes...(which he never does)...I was a little taken back, but I went with him and we sat in time out. He wanted to talk to me and I told him no that we come to the restroom to sit in timeout when he is making bad choices...he then got upset and said he wanted to leave and "talk to his mommy"...I loved that!! So, he apologized and we left and were able to visit on the way out...we will see the next time what his response is about going to the restroom...

Friday, June 5, 2009

Damages

So today, this came up: a mom was walking out to the parking lot with her daughter (who happens to be going into the 3rd grade) and the girl was very upset--when she came out of the school gate into the parking lot, she swung the gate open hard and accidently slammed it into a brand new black Yukon that was parked in the spot right there...damaging it...this mom happens to be a teacher at our school and she came back in furious! She had to find out whose car it was so that she could pay to have it fixed...then she asked, "and how do I even punish that?" I looked up and said, "really, go home and start getting some of her stuff together that can be sold--and sell it to pay for the damages...that is not rocket science"...she was shocked! But, I paid for that stuff not her! Yeah, but you are going to have to pay for the damages too and at least you won't have to pay for both and she will miss out on something in the long run!

Right? I mean, at the very least she would learn the value of a dollar from all of it...she is young, but not too young to learn that her actions have significant consequences...