Time out in public

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking recently about how to work with time out in public...and I think that is why people think that time out doesn't work because they can't do it everywhere or it isn't convenient...so recently, I have been taking advantage of the changing tables in restrooms to give Easton his time outs...then we are behind a closed door, I can sit him down on it and keep a hand on him, but he is removed from all of the attention of everyone else...I don't talk to him or give him any other attention until he apologizes for what he has done...

**I have always just sat them down where we were in a store or a resturaurant...whatever, but I really have liked this recently...it takes away more of the attention from onlookers that smile at them or frown at them sympathetically (they have no idea why they feel sorry for them!)...

At times, Easton has been taken in there because he is screaming about something and I am embarrassed, but this works, too---because screaming in the restroom is better than all over the store...once they realize they can't get away with it...they quit...I think sometimes that carrying them screaming through the store to get to the car is more attention for them than anything...Unless they know they are missing out on something once they get to the car (it really depends on the age)...

The other day, Easton was acting like a real toot and I asked him if we needed to go to the restroom to talk...he said yes...(which he never does)...I was a little taken back, but I went with him and we sat in time out. He wanted to talk to me and I told him no that we come to the restroom to sit in timeout when he is making bad choices...he then got upset and said he wanted to leave and "talk to his mommy"...I loved that!! So, he apologized and we left and were able to visit on the way out...we will see the next time what his response is about going to the restroom...

Damages

So today, this came up: a mom was walking out to the parking lot with her daughter (who happens to be going into the 3rd grade) and the girl was very upset--when she came out of the school gate into the parking lot, she swung the gate open hard and accidently slammed it into a brand new black Yukon that was parked in the spot right there...damaging it...this mom happens to be a teacher at our school and she came back in furious! She had to find out whose car it was so that she could pay to have it fixed...then she asked, "and how do I even punish that?" I looked up and said, "really, go home and start getting some of her stuff together that can be sold--and sell it to pay for the damages...that is not rocket science"...she was shocked! But, I paid for that stuff not her! Yeah, but you are going to have to pay for the damages too and at least you won't have to pay for both and she will miss out on something in the long run!

Right? I mean, at the very least she would learn the value of a dollar from all of it...she is young, but not too young to learn that her actions have significant consequences...

The Big Blue ball

Okay, so something happened this past week, that really got me to thinking about how other people impact our kids on a daily basis. Grandparents for instance... Let's run through this (of course hypothetical) scenerio...

You go to Toys R Us to look for something with your parents. Your child sees something that they really MUST have, but obviously do not need and proceed to throw a huge fit about not being able to get it...my motto with my kids is and always has been, "if you throw a fit, you are choosing NOT to get what you want..."...but you are with your parents, who have the opinion that all children should have anything and everything regardless of why. (I am not sure if your parents are that way, but mine sure are!) So, I really have to stand my ground and be the big, mean mommy often when these situations arise. So, you tell the child they cannot have the big blue ball and try to leave when your silly old father buys it and gives it to the child without you seeing...

*FIRST of all, the child really didn't want the ball--he or she wanted control of the situation and just got it...
*SECOND of all, my parents just made me look like a ninny in front of my child, so some MAJOR boundaries are going to have to be drawn!

Like I said, this is obviously hypothetical, but this is what I would have TRIED to do...
*told the child no, if it is really something they don't need or something I don't want them to have...OR they throw a HUGE fit when I insinuate they won't get it...
*Even children as young as 15 months of age can understand that they will not get rewarded for screaming like a crazy person (let's try to teach that as young as we can, right?)
*then, if my crazy father had proceeded to do it, I would have explained that he was going to really make the child sad when I had to take it away from her...and I would have...regardless--I had said no and "no means no" not "no until Grandpa says yes"
*then next time we went to Toys R Us, I would make a HUGE effort to go shopping and leave with nothing...but have a wonderful time there playing...I hate the assumption that everytime we go in somewhere we have to leave with something or "I'm in trouble"

FINALLY--a good nights rest again!

Okay, so a few months ago, with Easton-I broke every rule that I am a natzi about...I allowed him to crawl into our bed in the middle of the night and then to continue doing so for a while because I told myself that he first had the flu, and then he had bronchitis, and then he was recovering and then he had pneumonia for like 4 weeks...so when you add all of this up--we are talking about a total of about 2+ months that the child was coming in the middle of the night and getting into our bed. Now, I was always taking him back to his bed, but when he would protest a lot..I would feel bad for him--because remember he was sick?-and I would allow him when he would wake up the 8th time and then it would happen again...

SO..I mean, the NIGHT the tubes went in...I told Jason, no more! We lay down the law tonight and commit to 5 days of living poo poo, but then it will get better. Get this though, on top of all of that, Elle has decided that she is kind of scared to sleep alone and wanted to know if she could pull out Easton's trundle bed and sleep in his room with him... (which I did with my older brother until I was way too old and until he would just not allow it anymore--he also had a trundle)...so we devised a plan.

We added music in the room, we added Elle to his room, and we prayed! The first night...AWFUL! At least two hours to get him to sleep and at least 8 or 9 times of putting him back to bed screaming during the night. And, I kept having to remind Jason that we did this...

Night #2, 7-8 minutes to put him to bed, did not get out of the bed but woke up once and cried for 4-5 minutes.

Night #3, went straight down, no problem. Slept through the night! Thought I would DIE!!!

Night #4, cried when it was time to go down, but did go down within 1 minute or two. Slept until 5 and then we had to battle that out. He eventually went back down until 6. *We are still working on him sleeping until noon.. :)

But, I know better! I did this to him and I have to pay for my sins! So, remember there are consequences for all of your sins...never forget that!

The hardest thing for me

Okay so this weekend we had this crazy schedule: we were to go to Waco and have lessons, then go to McKinney and spend time with old friends and go to our old church there and then go to Southlake where our niece was celebrating her 2nd birthday--all great things...but by the end--the kids were SPENT! So, on the last leg of the trip, we stopped at McDonald's to let Elle go to the restroom, get a drink, and allow her to get dinner and both kids to get to play and just get out of the car for a few minutes. We had been to Whole Foods while we were in the metroplex. so we had lots of things for Easton to eat while we were there...

Well, here is the hard part...Easton was HORRIBLE!!!! He cried about everything from the minute we got there to the minute we left. He threw his napkins on the floor and refused to pick them up, he didn't even want to go to the table--and when we got close, he would scream...I HATE being embarassed of my children! AND, Elle needed to eat a little something and eating in the car with a child with severe food allergies is just not in the cards! SO...first, Jason took him to the restroom and counseled him---but then he knew Jason was upset with him, so that upset him more...so the rest of the time was me taking him back and forth to the restroom, sitting in time out and then him getting it together, saying he was sorry, and trying to come back to civilization...only to have to leave again a few minutes later. I felt like everyone in the place was looking at us and thinking, "look at that awful kid!" And, I knew that if I would only let him go play in the playground, he would be fine, but I would be reinforcing the behavior--so we fought the battle and hurried through Elle's nuggets, let her play again for a few minutes while we got him buckeled in and another sippy poured...and then were back in the car.

I think my struggle in those situations has to be like everyone else--if I just give in--they will be quiet and people will think I have a well behaved kid...

BUT..I have to think about next week--will they still just want to play on the playground or will they up the anty and want to dance on the tables--or something that is just one step farther than I am willing to let them go--then we are going to have a WAR! So, I need to just fight the little battles and then we can live in peace, right? Man, this is hard!!

Discipline

I think it is important to always have a toooblox at your fingertips when your children act up...yes, I probably use the same ones most of the time once I find the ones that are most effective with each child—but then I also know when to “kick it up to the next level of tools” when the behaviors do not appear to be getting any better...
Toolbox
*redirection-just explaining to the child that the choices they are making are not good and what they can do instead…
(I ask my daughter to pick up her room and she whines, I say, “ Thank you for respecting our house enough to do your chores without complaining.” Then I walk away. Don’t engage her--just walk away. Check back with her a few minutes later to see if another tool needs to be used.--9 times out of 10 my child doesn’t need anything else…she knows that this means “get ‘er done!”
*timeout--this needs to be trained. You need to practice it with your child when the child is not in trouble. For example: Let’s pretend-we are not in real trouble…pretend that you made a bad choice--what choice could it have been? (let them tell you one--it is always good for a laugh) okay, well if you make a bad choice and mommy tells you to sit down--I want you to sit down until I tell you to get up. Okay--let’s practice. Now let’s pretend that you are very upset because you are in trouble--you can pretend like you are throwing a fit, etc… (ha ha) Okay, now mommy is telling you to sit down and you can’t get up
until I tell you to get up or you have to stay there longer. **The key is for them to sit down until they are calm and can talk about the choice. Once they are calm--they get up, apologize and explain what they should have done. Then it is over. If they get up, the time starts over. If a timer would work better--have a timer handy--but you will need to have a timer with you all the time--because the behaviors are going to happen everywhere--at Walmart, out to eat, etc--and you will need to use this tool--if they are used to a timer and you don’t have one--or a time out chair--you will be up a creek.
*privileges taken away--this works very well when your child gets to be about 3 years of age and older--when they really start caring about certain things…just by saying, “I’m not sure if I can trust you to play with this toy right now, and removing it--for an hour or for a week---they start to want to earn your trust back. Trust is earned. I cannot trust a child that acts up every time we go out in public--so why do I bring them home to a carnival??
*earn rewards--try making these intrinsic motivators--having a friend over…things that don’t cost any money
The things with stickers, candy, etc…is that children will always want more. I truly believe that children should behave well because they are asked to--I know it seems crazy--but they should.
When we implemented chores for our 3 year old--she had 5 must do’s everyday. They were posted in her room--she helped me make the poster. But, there was no reward. No sticker chart, etc. My husband asked if we were going to pay her--I said no…that our house functions because we have active members within it. So, we all have to do our part. When we added chores for our 15 month old--one basket in the living room and a bucket in a pantry--those were his ways of helping our house room smoothly.
Elle is rewarded all the time with a thank you and a lot of appreciation and she is allowed to do things that I feel that she earns with hard work--but I don’t post those things up anywhere--that is Mommy and Daddy decided.
*planned ignoring--sometimes just taking away their reward of the attention--the behavior will get worse--but then sometimes it will stop…just be careful that you don’t say that you are using this tool when you are really just trying to avoid the confrontation of addressing the behavior

How to make naps happen

I think this one goes back to the letting them cry. Once you have found the schedule that will work for your baby, once it is naptime…they go in their crib. For the amount of time you have set up. They can sleep, cry, lay there…regardless, it is naptime. They will sleep. They may not every time, but if you honestly make it a routine, their bodies will begin to get tired before that time and they will be able to go to sleep anywhere. (Now, this isn’t all children—I have friends that their kids HAD to be in their beds, but both of mine would fall asleep at 10:30 wherever we were in whatever position they were in up to about 2 years of age. It just has to be a consistent time and you have to leave them in there the whole time. Don’t put them in there for 20 minutes and if they don’t sleep, you go get them—maybe they take 30 minutes to cool down to even be able to sleep and then you come in and take them back out.